China to build, conquer own peninsula

China plans to create an artificial headland in the Pacific to stage its own annexation, it has been revealed.

Officials in the People’s Republic of China had been monitoring the situation in Crimea closely, but recently released documents show that the world’s second biggest economy will attempt to replicate Russia’s occupation but in a country built specifically for the purpose.

Chinese FlagAlthough China is well known for its quality imitations of electronics, designer handbags, and other goods, experts believe this is the first time it has attempted to recreate something of this scale.

Paul Slein, a professor of China Studies at University College London, said, “After seeing events unfold in Ukraine, China is understandably nervous of its biggest neighbour, Russia.  They need a way to demonstrate their own capabilities in causing civil unrest and then quelling it through military action.  Not willing to risk potential economic upheaval of an actual invasion of another country, the Chinese government have decided to feign one instead.  This way they can have a perfectly choreographed peace-keeping occupation, without all the casualties caused by doing it for real”.

Despite the infancy of the project, Chinese officials say they already have thousands of volunteers who will act as citizens of the new peninsula–most likely to be named “Chinb”– and say training has already begun in preparing them to show the appropriate amount of panic and faux-resistance to occupying forces.  These sessions are expected to intensify as the construction nears completion, culminating in live rounds being used for maximum authenticity.

Yu Hwat, an assembly-line worker for a large electronics manufacturer, told Newswut that this would be a great opportunity, “They have promised me a house and said I can take my whole family.  All I have to do is shout and run away from any tanks.  I think that will be easy”.

Maintaining their commitment to reducing the environmental impact of their industry, China’s leaders announced that the artificial land would be constructed from reclaimed materials, chiefly the contents of surrounding landfill sites and waste from power stations.  The work is estimated to take three years and require hundreds of workers.

The United Nations was reluctant to comment on the proposals, suggesting that since the people of the new land will be ethnically Chinese, it would be unlikely to fit the very fine criteria needed to trigger UN involvement.

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